On edge. Into the shredder.

Nowadays I’m always on edge. Not knowing whether today she will decide to be nice to me or decide to be mean to me.

On the days when she decides to be mean (well, most days), my heart will for the whole day feel like it’s sinking. It’s not a nice feeling.

When she shouts at me through the many many phonecalls she gives me when i’m at work, in my head, i imagine myself jumping through a massive shredder. Or my car being totalled with me in it. Just so that she can finally realise that my presence actually does make of some (or even a lot) use to the family. And also, so that i will no longer have an ear to listen to the endless shouting.

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Suck it up

Whenever I see her name on caller i.d, my heart immediately sinks.

I hesitate to answer at first glance but I end up always answering anyway because the repurcussions of me not answering immediately would be worse.

When i put my phone to my ear, my eyes squint in fear that she starts shouting. When her tone is of a loving being i know she is inside, I can literally feel my heart easing.

But when it turns out to be the normal shouting, I bite my tongue, twist my fingers, clench my fist, grind my teeth, curl my toes. Every inch of my muscles would tense up, soaking in her hurtful words. I would feel my heart sink, i would feel a lump in my throat. I could feel my eyes well up, but my anger in reaction to her would tell the wimp in me to stop crying. Suck it up. There are people in worse situations than you are. There are kids out there working from dusk till dawn, deprived of a normal childhood. There are kids out there on boats for weeks in anticipation of going to a better place only to end up dying from the boat being capsized.

Suck it up yumi. It’s nothing. As much as it hurts, at least it’s good character building.

At least.

Suck it up.

Chase

He looked down and thought to himself “That’s a long way to fall”. But what could go wrong? Just the parachute not deploying, him missing the landing target way off and ending up in a bunch of high tension electric cables, or his heart failing on him entirely out of the shock of pleasure that he dies instantaneously from a heart attack causing all three of his fears to simultaneously happen at once.
He did not know why exactly he was doing this. He was never a thrill seeker. Back in college, on a trip to Universal Studios, he was actually the one that his then college roommate now best friend, Ayden, had to repetitively convince to get on a thrill ride.
Part of him hoped that he would not survive the fall and that he would miraculously be able to reunite with the two loves of his life, his wife and daughter who he lost in a hit and run incident a year back.
***
“How long will you be away?”
“A month or so. I just really need some time away from everything, Ayden. To recoup. The past few months have been tough”
“Yea I get it. But don’t go too off the grid. We still need to make sure you’re alive.”
He scoffed. Maybe staying alive really was not what he was going for. The thought of living the rest of his life without Laila and Sara was painful, sometimes quite literally, given his heart condition. He remembered the day he got the call telling him his world was about to collapse in on him, it started out like any other day at the office. He got the call while he was on his way to a meeting, walking under the sun. He remembered that he froze on the spot. Dropped to the ground as he felt every inch of him just freeze, mourning his loss.
***
He knew that most of his family and friends thought that he had a peculiar, almost insensitive way of dealing with his loss. He had travelled to foreign lands alone, meeting new people, trying out things that he never imagined himself trying. He did not know why their departure had triggered this. Possibly, new experiences were the only worthy void-fillers and he could feel the void they left growing even larger day by day. It started out with him just wanting to see Japan, since Laila had always wanted to go there, during spring to see the Sakuras. But it was as if Laila was in his head, prompting him on this cat and mouse chase, convincing him that she and Sara would be waiting for him at wherever he ended up next.
One country after another, Japan, Myanmar, Uzbekistan, Iran, Armenia, Turkey, Bosnia & Herzegovina, and finally where he was now, Austria. It had been three months since he left home. All the while, Laila’s voice in his head became louder, crying, “Why haven’t you found us yet? Where are you?”
He would walk around the towns and cities he ended up in all day. But as the skies turned into night, a shadow would form over his heart, and he would be enveloped by his tears and would lock himself in his hostel room. And so goes the cycle, day by day. He would sometimes see glimpses of Sara in random little girls he saw on his walks. He would hear Laila’s laughter coming from behind him at random cafes he sat and sipped his coffee at. He imagined them everywhere and everyday but it would never be them. He had over the period of his travels somehow convinced himself that their hit and run was just a hoax and they were actually just travelling the world together, without him just waiting for him to catch up.
He would ignore emails from his office, texts from Ayden, calls from his mother. At one point, he just intentionally left his phone at a café back in Turkey, so he could truly be outside of his family and friends’ radar. All he wanted was to catch up with Laila and Sara.
***
“You know what I want to do one day?” Laila was under the sheets beside him with the sun shining on her morning messy hair, on her side facing him, while her hand was just circling the center of his collarbone.
“What is that?” he replied as he ran his fingers through her hair, savoring the feel of her at his fingertips.
“I want to skydive. Just jump out of a plane, and leave my survival to fate. To the parachute gods, that they would open my parachute. Or to the goddesses of the wind, so that the wind doesn’t blow me too off course”
“I don’t know why anyone in their right minds would want to do that darling. Human beings are just not meant to be in the air. If we were, we would have wings.”
“I hate you and your common sense and risk aversion,” she said as she placed a passionate kiss on his lips.
***
This was it. His feet were at the edge of the plane. All he had to do was plunge, thousands of feet towards the ground. He was praying to the parachute gods that they would stop the parachute from opening. He was praying to the goddesses of the wind that they would somehow open a portal mid-air to where Laila and Sara was.
He was convinced that they were somewhere between where the plane and the ground was. After all, he had scoured the grounds for them and they were nowhere. “Please Laila. Be there. Just be there,” he muttered under his breath.
He plunged forward and shouted “Geronimo!”

Please, god no

Each time you shout at me, i feel as if someone took my heart, pounded it to the ground, and placed it back in the cavity it inhabits, each time leaving a bigger hole.

As you shout and fulfil your daily requirement of at least one citizen yelled at, i cringe at the thought of one day possibly turning into you.

Please don’t let that happen. Please god no.

Death.

She felt it. IT was around the corner, waiting to pounce on the few drops of life she had left.

She looked around at every member of her family. Trying to memorise every line and crease of their faces, the tempo of each limb’s movement, the pitch of their voices.

What she hoped for was that her absence would not change these details because she hopes that her loves would be able to move on and her preserved memories of them, in whatever form it may exist once she moved on the the other world, would accurately represent them.

Weirdly, she was not afraid, she was at peace. The thought of her family being able to live burden-free, the burden being her, made her happy.

Her final decision, she decided, would be to pick her final resting pose, when her soul exits her body via her toes.

Where has the year gone?

I’m back. After almost a year of being away.

A lot has happened yet I feel the same. I think I have matured more but at the same time I feel like I am the same person I was a year ago.

It’s weird.

I met a guy. He seems amazing. But I am just waiting for something to go wrong, because that’s how it’s supposed to be right? Great highs are followed by great lows.